Twisted Twilight!
by twistedDuo15
Summary: For those with peticular sense of humor. Be warned there is voilence in later chapters. This is a sort of roast of twilight. By two very bored 15 yearolds. Please review. Don't enter if your to young. Rated M, Bewar!
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: We don't own Twilight or anything involved in the writings of SM**

**Warning: Swearing, violence, crude humor, rape, sexual humor, content, and behavior maybe and are in this fiction. If you are too young too, read. Don't read it. If you don't care****,**** read on. You have been warned, we as the writers are not liable for your decisions. In, any of the chapters following either. Thank you!**

Prologue

Bella Swan, an eighteen year old girl and stupid fucking lamb that fell for a vampire. What is with theses dumb ass teenage girls falling for fucking vampires? Don't they understand that one false period and he will fucking eat you!

"Oh no, Edward wouldn't ever do that!" You all protest.

Well fuck that, in this story he might, because there are no gentleman vampires or happy endings. Hate to burst your bubbles ladies, but this is how it really went down.

Edward's return, Bella's affair, Alice is high, and lies, lie around every corner. Set when Edward returns in _Eclipse_. Find out more in chapter one of _Twisted Twilight_. If you have a sense of humor and don't mind a sort of roasting of _Twilight._ Then you just might enjoy this. If not, fuck you all. Oh and please review good or bad, we're not picky. Don't forget, one of the two writers on this actually loves Twilight and Stephanie Meyer's books. I was simply bored and wanted to edit my favorite cousin's work.

Though admittedly I have contributed to the story line and find everything funny, obscenely so.


	2. I Wish the Vampire would Leave

I Wish the Vampire would Leave

Edward was watching me, as I slept, like always. I hadn't quite worked up the nerve, to tell a vampire, that he freaks me out. I mean seriously his eyes follow my every move. The worst part is he leaves every time I'm on my period. He says "I'm going hunting." But I know differently. Though, it's probably for the best, because I'm a total bitch when I am on the rag.

Since Edward just got back, I thank god for that abortion. Now it will be a while before he knows I love Jacob and almost had a pack of pups. I wonder if Jacob is still mad I killed the pups or if I can go fuck him right now.

Edward woke me up with the question, "Bella, what's with all the talk of puppies."

"What the fuck are you smoking, I hate dogs why would I ever get one?!" I must have been talking in my sleep, again. But Jacob isn't a dog he's a werewolf. I looked up at Edward and he was glaring. I didn't see why he thought he could glare at me. One, he left me and two he'd been taking the used tampons out of the bathrooms trash can. Edward's glare intensified by hundreds.

"What's on your mind, Edward?"

"How did you spend your time with Jacob?"

"You know, we cliff dived. I watched him work on his car." I told him, leaving out how I fucked Jake in the car and on the cliff. Edwards glare blazed, I assumed it was, because he doesn't like Jacob.

I don't hate Jacob as much as I would've hated Edward if my first time was with Edward. He would have killed me after my cherry popped. I sucked in a breath. "Yeah, so not pretty," I muttered.

I glanced at Edward a shocked expression on his face. After a couple of minutes of silence he finally said, "So, are you sure that's all you did with Jacob?"

"Why are you so worried about Jake?" I smiled, quickly dodging his question. Then I said, "Look butterfly!" I recalled Edward saying vampires were easily distracted. We sat there an hour while he stared at the pretty butterfly.

I quickly took my chance to go to sleep. The next morning he was still there .I guess I should have had sex with him, like all the other guys. Then he wouldn't be there the next morning, either. Even Jake hadn't skipped on a chance to disappear after a night.

"So Bella, what are your plans for today?" Edward asked.

"Well, I'll probably go hang with Jake or Alice" I looked at him to see his expression; it was void of any emotion.

"How about you go with Alice today? You've had the whole time I was gone to hang out with Jacob." Edward stated. Ah, fuck it. I can't just go to Jake's. Edward will think it's suspicious.

"Oh, okay. I'll go see Alice." I mean now I have something to talk to Alice about and it's been a while since she's made me go on a drug run for her.

To be continued…

Next time on Twisted Twilight! What's this about Charlie's drug deals to Alice? Why is Alice seeing a dragon? Who took Bella's virginity? And what will James do for a Klondike Bar? All this and more, on Twisted Twilight.


	3. Alice High as Hell!

Alice High as Hell

As I went unwillingly to Alice's, all I could think of is how badly I wanted Jake. It pissed me of to have to go where Edward told me to go, but I knew going to Jake's would piss off Edward. Lord knows pissing off a vampire could be dangerous, I mean look at what James did to me. He beat, raped, and tortured me, all because, Edward made a game out of taking his Klondike bar. I understand Edward didn't know that my life and virginity was on the line when he asked James "What would you do for a Klondike bar?" But I mean come on.

Well, Jake to me, was considered my first because, he stuck it in me raw dog. James, on the other hand, had used a condom so he doesn't count. Yes, I'm just that fucked up. I will tell you a secret I will _**never**_ eat another Klondike bar in my fucking life.

"Hey, Bella I didn't know you were coming over there's a pack of Klondike bars in the freezer."

"NO! I'm not hungry Alice." I protested. "Bitch." I muttered under my breath, knowing she'd hear me.

"I'll ignore that you whore."She stated calmly.

"Good, you better ignore it or I won't go pick up from your supplier on sunny days anymore." I smirked knowing I had here by the balls on that comment.

"Whoa, now Bella does this little fight really need to go that far?"

Hah! Ha! I knew I had won at something in my miserable life. Yeah, Bella: 1, Alice: 739.

"Okay, no but, you knew that Klondike bar thing with Edward was going to happen and you didn't stop it." I said a little angrily.

"That's your fault. I thought it was a hallucination, not a vision. If you would have picked up my No-Dowz and weed, we would have been fine. Instead you bring me fucking LSD and coke. So what the fuck did you expect from me!" Alice accused.

Oh yeah, I forgot about that detail, Alice: 740, Bella: 1.

"So Bells, it's kind of sunny out." Alice promoted.

"Fine whore, I'll get your score." I chuckled, walking towards the door already. I stopped. "Who do you want it from Charlie or J. Jenks, the guy that makes your fake IDs?" I questioned.

"Charlie's shit has too many seeds. Get it from Jenks." Should have known Alice would make me go to Seattle for her crank. She just can't take Charlie's shit. As I arrived in Seattle I was greeted by one of Alice's man whores, who asked me if I wanted a ride on his dick .I quickly declined and asked if he could drive me to the spot. I got out of the car and met up with Jenks.

"You got the stuff Jenks?"

"What I've got, is that you are a fucking cliché. If you weren't paying out the ass, I would pop a cap out my 9 in yo ass, bitch." J. Jenks spat in his gangster voice.

"Shut the fuck up Jay, you're whiter than Ronald Raygen. And you know it. " I shouted at the poser.

"Okay, okay you don't have to be so mean." Jenks whined.

"Whatever! Just give me the shit."I handed him a hundred. He handed me a bag with a couple pounds of weed in it. "Love doing business with you." I smiled and took off with the man whore, back to the air port. Then to Forks from there, I arrived at the Cullen house. Walking through the front door, I heard something in the kitchen. So I grabbed a baseball bat and ran toward the kitchen. What I saw was…Was…Fucking hilarious. Alice sitting in the kitchen sink, butt ass naked.

"Bella, look out there's a fucking dragon!" Alice screamed erratically, pointing at an empty corner.

"Alice did you finish that LSD?" I asked already knowing the answer. "Maybe........ I can't remember. Ahhhh! The dragons biting you head off. Run Bella!"

"Alice there's no dragon. "You're having a hallucination from the LSD. Now you need to tell me where your clothes are, okay?" I breathed out soothingly. Alice nodded, got out of the sink, and grabbed a pile of clothes from in front of her.

"Ali, do you want your weed to calm down?" I held the bag out to her.

"Give me the goods, bitch." She demanded demonically, swiping the weed from me.

_**On the next installment of TT will Bella ever get the drug pickups right? Can Alice get a record of 800:1? Will Bella ever get a pack of werewolves of her own? All these answers and more, on Twisted Twilight**_. And for everyone's information we don't, do drugs that's our other cousin. Please review!


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